“Oh my God, what have I done?”
A million points of light lined up
And danced across the dim-lit room
While smoke broke through their ordered tiers
Pale shadows cast the white-framed screen
To life amidst the musty gloom.
A bridge across too many years
His life was spanned by different scenes.
Anticipation then welled up
And pranced around the empty cell
While counting downwards to the start
The gentle ticks cut through his fear,
Machines fed by the spinning reels
One casting back with disregard
The other’s softly flowing tears.
The credits rolled, the music played
Crescendo adding to the mood
And soon the actor’s face displayed
With makeup masked by shades of grey
For these were scenes of younger days
And time had yet to etch the lines
Of loneliness upon his soul.
The blinds were drawn, and all alone
He journeyed back to neighbourhoods
Not walked since very long ago.
His thin lips moved in time to words
Not spoken fifty years, nor heard
Yet he could still recall the lines
The critics called his greatest role.
Suddenly, inexplicably,
Overwhelmingly a sadness flowed
To drown the sounds within his ears.
Images dancing before his eyes
Became his life…
A private show,
A personal tour
And disjointed words
Spoken by him for him alone to hear.
“Oh my God, what have I done?
I held the muse so firmly by the hand
And, basking in her sweet smile, I revelled
In the love of those less fortunate souls.
Not once did she rebuke me, nor the fans
On whose gaze I played at every level
And they all in awe looked up to the role
The muse had thrust upon her ever-willing groom.
Every fibre of my being, it seemed,
In all my dreams, craved for fame and fortune
In all my dreams I’m bowing to acclaim,
Applause so loud it deafens out the screams
Of all those trampled on and all those used,
Abused and cast aside, all in the name
Of fame, my fame, and swept so cleanly by my broom.
Look at those looks, rare sculpted, fair of face
So full of grace to make the angels sing!
Proud Adonis struts while mere mortals swoon.
Groomed golden hair each strand held in its place
What poise, what presence ever commanding
Born to the role once sown in nature’s womb
To give the magic lantern a reason for its being.
The trembling claws of age scratched hard and deep
To keep the weight of time in lines and folds.
The golden locks shed, the eyesight faded
Those looks were just borrowed, not mine to keep,
Given by gods and for me but to hold
So fleetingly until at last, jaded
I reluctantly return them to nature’s cruel care.
And when I leave this life of mine
My godlike face I’ll leave behind…
And what physique! Uniquely muscular
So strong and bronzed to make the angels fly!
Proud Hercules struts while all women dream
To be held so lovingly in those arms
A gentle haven from the cares of life
Kept safe from harm their hero plays out scenes
And rescues virgin damsels from their cold and dreary lives.
The battle with time now lost so the scars
Are all that is left, and soft are the hands
That once held the weight of stardom so high.
I fought the dragons of sloth and the stars
Rewarded my toil, a statuesque man
I stood tall. Now I stoop, a shadow am I
As I bow and I wait for nature’s final caress.
And when I leave this life of mine
My godlike form I’ll leave behind…
Good fortune smiled and piled her favours high
Upon her gifted son, and wealth beyond
His wildest dream was laid upon his plate.
Proud Midas touch, while others fell aside
Success came quick, and just as quick was gone
Fleeting and fickle still the hand of fate
But riches stayed behind and good fortune paid the dues.
Friends came and went, blown by the weather fair
As were ‘relationships’ no more than brief
Liaisons, and no purpose did they hold
Except my ego feed. So none would dare
To come too close in case they came to grief
The victims of my jealous side, so cold
This heart that I closed tight to fight for golden refuge.
And when I leave this life of mine
My Midas gold I’ll leave behind…
What of my name? This much I say with pride
That so many sang my praise, called my name
And many claimed no greater man alive.
Though none could see beyond and deep inside
My public how they loved me all the same,
And calls for one more encore will survive
The curtain’s final falling upon this stage of life.
How empty the sounds, how hollow the feeling,
Sincerity lacking in every word
And shallow emotion slacking in meaning,
The sycophant’s laugh so falsely appealing
Was surely the worst sound I ever heard.
My eyes are now open and finally seeing
That they too were all acting, and much better than I.
And when I leave this life of mine
My worthless name I’ll leave behind…
Now looking back it seems an empty life
Was filled with things that really didn’t count
For much and missing of the things that did.
What cost the prize but full of endless strife
Is that what existence should be all about?
To elude true happiness, unfulfilled
I conclude this precious gift was worthless in the end.
Vanity passing in the night, at dawn
A gentle kiss goodbye and wave of hand.
The grip of vice weakens and falls away,
No more to play within my sacred halls.
Where there was dark across this barren land
The light now shines and ushers in the day,
And tears of joy now fall upon my youthful form again.
Yet would I change this life of mine
For something good to leave behind…
“Oh my God, see what I’ve done!”
