In preparing to write about the lack of gentle touch in men’s lives, I right away thought, “I feel confident I can do platonic touch, but I don’t necessarily trust other men to do it. Some guy will do something creepy. They always do.” Quickly on the heels of that thought, I wondered, “Wait a minute, why do I distrust men in particular?” The little voice in my head didn’t say, “I don’t necessarily trust people to not be creepy”, it said, “I don’t trust men”.
In American culture, we believe that men can never be entirely trusted in the realm of the physical. We collectively suspect that, given the opportunity, men will revert to the sexual at a moment’s notice. That men don’t know how to physically connect otherwise. That men can’t control themselves. That men are dogs.
There is no corresponding narrative about women.
Touch Isolation
Accordingly, it has become every man’s job to prove they can be trusted, in each and every interaction, day by day and case by case. In part, because so many men have behaved poorly. And so, we prove our trustworthiness by foregoing physical touch completely in any context in which even the slightest doubt about our intentions might arise. Which, sadly, is pretty much every context we encounter.
We crave touch. We are cut off from it. The result is touch isolation.
And where does this leave men? Physically and emotionally isolated. Cut off from the deeply human physical contact that is proven to reduce stress, encourage self-esteem and create community. Instead, we walk in the vast crowds of our cities alone in a desert of disconnection. Starving for physical connection.
We crave touch. We are cut off from it. The result is touch isolation.
The Comfort of Contact
How often do men actually get the opportunity to express affection through lasting platonic touch? How often does it happen between men? Or between men and women? Not a handshake or a hug, but lasting physical contact between two people that is comforting and personal, but not sexual. Between persons who are not lovers and never will be. Think holding hands. Or leaning on each other. Sitting together. That sort of thing. Just the comfort of contact. And if you are a man, imagine five minutes of contact with another man. How quickly does that idea raise the ugly specter of homophobia? And why?
While women are much freer to engage in physical contact with each other, men remain suspect when they touch others. There is only one space in our culture where long-term platonic physical contact is condoned for men, and that is between fathers and their very young children.
The Transformative Effect of Fatherhood
I found this kind of physical connection when my son was born. As a stay at home dad, I spent years with my son. Day after day, he sat in the crook of my arm, his little arm across my shoulder, his hand on the back of my neck. As he surveyed the world from on high, I came to know a level of contentment and calm that had previously been missing in my life.
The physical connection between us was so transformative that it changed my view of who I am and what my role is in the world. Yet it took having a child to bring this calming experience to me because so few other opportunities are possible to teach men the value and power of gentle loving touch.
A Lack of Physical Connection
As a young child and as a teenager, contact between myself and others simply didn’t happen unless it came in the form of roughhousing or unwelcome bullying. My mother backed off from contact with me very early on, in part, I think, due to her upbringing. I can only guess that in her parent’s house physical touch was something for toddlers, but not for children past a certain age. Add to that, the fact that my father was absent due to my parent’s divorce and years of work overseas, and it meant I grew up without being held or touched.
This left me with huge insecurities about human contact. I was well into my twenties before I could put my arm around a girl I was dating without first getting drunk. To this day, I remain uncertain about where and how to approach contact with people, even those I consider close friends. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s just that it remains awkward, odd. As if we all feel like we’re doing something slightly…off?
Contact with male friends is always brief; a handshake, or a pat on the back. Hugs with men or women are a ballet of the awkward, a comedic choreography in which we turn our groins this way or that. Shoulders in, butts out, seeking to broadcast to anyone within line of sight that we are most certainly not having a sexual moment. We’re working so hard to be seen as sexually neutral that we take no joy in these moments of physical connection.
The Sexualising of Touch
Not only do we men distrust others in this muddled realm of physical touch, but years of shaming and judgement have left us distrusting ourselves. Did I enjoy that too much? Am I having taboo thoughts? This distrust leaves us uncertain about touching another human being unless we have established very clear rules of engagement. Often we give up and simply reduce those rules to being in a relationship. We allow ourselves long-lasting comforting touch with our girlfriends or boyfriends. The vast universe of platonic human touch is suddenly reduced to the exclusive domain of one person and is blended into the sexual. That’s a lot of need to put on one person, however loving and generous they might be.
Which leads to the question, how do we teach our sons to understand how touch works? How to parse out the sexual from the platonic? Is the pleasure of human contact inherently sexual to some degree? I doubt it’s a question the average Italian man would ever ask himself. But here in America, generations of puritanical sexual shaming have made it a central question. By putting the fear of the sexual first in all our interactions, we have thrown out the baby with the bathwater, avoiding all contact rather than risk even the hint of unwanted sexual touch.
Giving up Human Contact
Many parents step back from physical contact with boys when their sons approach puberty. The contact these boys seek is often deemed confusing or even sexually suspect. And, most unbelievable of all, all opportunity for potential physical touch is abruptly handed over to young girls, who are suddenly expected to act as gatekeepers to touch, and who are no more prepared to take on this responsibility than boys are to hand it over.
And so boys are cast adrift with two unspoken lessons:
- All touch is sexually suspect
- Find a girlfriend or give up human contact
A particularly damning message to boys who are gay.
American culture leaves boys few options. While aggression on the basketball court or bullying in the locker room often results in sporadic moments of human contact, gentleness likely does not. And young men, whose need for touch is channeled into physically rough interactions with other boys or fumbling sexual contact with girls, lose conscious awareness of the gentle, platonic contact of their own childhoods. Sometimes it’s not until their children are born that they rediscover gentle platonic touch; the holding and caring contact that is free from the drumbeat of sex, sex, sex that pervades our culture, even as we simultaneously condemn it.
Craving Real Connection
Is it any wonder that sexual relationships in our culture are so loaded with anger and fear? Boys are dumped on a desert island of physical isolation, and the only way they can find any comfort is to enter the blended space of sexual contact to get the connection they need.
This makes sexual relations a vastly more high stakes experience than it already should be. We encourage aggressive physical contact as an appropriate mode of contact for boys and turn a blind eye to bullying, even as we then expect them to work out some gentler mode of sexual contact in their romantic lives.
If men could diffuse their need for physical connection across a much wider set of platonic relationships, it would do wonders for our sense of connection in the world. As it is, we can’t even manage a proper hug because we can’t model what was never modeled for us.
The Value of Touch
We have seniors in retirement homes who are visited by dogs they can hold and pet. This helps to improve their health and emotional state of mind. It is due to the power of contact between living creatures. Why are good-hearted people driving around town, taking dogs to old folks homes? Because no one is touching these elderly people.
We know the value of touch, even as we do everything we can to shield ourselves from it.
They should have grandchildren in their laps every day, or a warm human hand to hold, not Pomeranians who come once a week. And yet, we put a dog in their laps instead of giving them human touch, because we remain a culture that holds human contact highly suspect. We know the value of touch, even as we do everything we can to shield ourselves from it.
Fear of Judgement
We American men have a tragic laundry list of reasons why we are not comfortable with touch:
- We fear being labeled as sexually inappropriate by women.
- We live in a virulently homophobic culture so all contact between men is suspect.
- We don’t want to risk any hint of being sexual toward children.
- We don’t want to risk our status as macho or authoritative by being physically gentle.
- We don’t ever want to deal with rejection when we reach out.
But at the root of all these flawed rationalizations is the fact that most American men are never taught to do gentle non-sexual touch. We are not typically taught that we can touch and be touched as a platonic expression of joyful human contact. Accordingly, the very inappropriate over-sexualized touch our society fears runs rampant, reinforcing our culture’s self-fulfilling prophecy against men and touch. Meanwhile, this inability to comfortably connect via touch has left men emotionally isolated, contributing to rampant rates of alcoholism, depression, and abuse.
The Prohibition against Platonic Touch
And what if the lack of platonic touch is causing some men to be far too aggressive toward women, who, as the exclusive gatekeepers for gentle touch are carrying a burden they could never hope to fully manage? Women, who are arguably both victims of and, in partnership with men, enforcers of the prohibition against platonic touch in American culture? The impact of our collective touch phobia is felt across our society by every single man, woman, and child.
Brené Brown, in her groundbreaking TED Talk titled The Power of Vulnerability talks at length about the limitations men face when attempting to express vulnerability in our culture. She notes the degree to which men are boxed in by our culture’s expectations about what a man is or is not allowed to do. I would suggest that the limitations placed on men extend to their physical expression through touch. And are just as damaging in that realm.
The Awakening of Touch
But here’s the good news.
There are many reasons why full-time stay at home dads are proving to be such a transformative force in American culture. One powerful reason is the awakening of touch. As full-time dads, we are presented with the absolute necessity to hold our own wonderful children. We are learning about touch in the most powerful and life-affirming way. In ways that previous generations of men simply were not immersed in.
Once you have held your sleeping child night after night or walked for years with their hand in yours, you are a changed person. You gain fluency and confidence in touch that you will never lose. It is a gift to us men from our children that literally has the capacity to transform American culture.
How to Reach Out
Accordingly, now, when I am with a friend I do reach out. I do make contact. And I do so with confidence and joy. And I have my own clear path forward.
The patterns in my life may be somewhat set but I intend to do everything I can to remain in contact with my son in hopes that he will have a different view of touch in his life. I hug him and kiss him. We hold hands or I put my arm around him when we watch TV or walk on the street. I will not back off from him because someone somewhere might take issue with our physical connection. I will not back off because somehow there is an unspoken rule that I must cut him loose in the world to fend for himself. I hope we can hold hands even when he is a man. I hope we continue to hold hands until the day I die.
Ultimately, we will unlearn our fear of touch in the context of our personal lives and in our day-to-day interactions. Learning how to express platonic love and affection through touch is a vast and remarkable change that has to be lived. But it is so important that we do it. Because it is central to having a rich and full life.
Touch is life.
Like Mark Greene’s Facebook Page Remaking Manhood for article updates and more!
This post touched me so deeply. I cried hard because of the immense pain that so many continue to suffer, and I cried because I am so very grateful that there are men who are finding the strength and courage to take on, first their own self-discovery work, and then sharing their healing experience with the world.
It seems to me that there are more men and women today who are suffering from a severe deficit of genuine human connection, one that must include physical touch. Seven or eight years ago, I spoke with a woman who was distraught over a
notice that her daughter brought home from elementary school that
informed parents of a new policy banning the students from holding hands
and hugging each other. I was in disbelief… I mean, how could that be
acceptable to anyone?
Our culture of fear and separatism, us and them, cannot survive if we are truly connected with one another. Thank you Mark for this post and your Remaking Manhood facebook page. Charles Eisenstein offers what he calls “self-guided learning journeys,” one of which is called “Masculinity: A New Story” – https://charleseisenstein.net/courses/. Also, there is a TED Talk by a man named Jackson Katz that is also phenomenal.
Thank you again, for being a Brave Edge-Walker!
Very well written, and well said. I think another side affects of this is that it has made it easier to disassociate choices and actions from the impact – or harm – such decisions make on others. We as a whole have left aside ‘caring’ for those outside our circle, because we are no longer socialized by common, comforting interaction as human beings.
Wow, thank you for such a much needed conversation about this topic…I will definitely share this article with as many people as I can.
Blessings!!!
I have custody of my kids every other week. We have physical contact a lot, they sit right next to me on the couch, I give them a hug to wake them up in the morning, etc. They’re the only people I ever come into physical contact with.
I’m single, I work from home, I rarely meet with friends and when I do, we might shake hands, that’s about it. But it’s not much different now as opposed to when I worked around others. I was married for a long time and we literally grew apart because we had no common interests. So I never come into contact with anyone. It’s probably affecting my outlook on life, but there’s nothing I can do about that. American men get the impression, or are outright told, that if they touch anyone for any reason, that can be considered harassment. It can get you fired or thrown in jail, unless you’re rich, apparently… So we just don’t touch anyone. Is that an overreaction? Could be, but the consequences are so severe that we don’t risk it.
Teens in Europe touch each other a lot more. Lots of arms round the shoulders and huddling together. Male and female. They are also a lot less cliquey. There are no ‘popular’ groups and ‘losers’ in Euro schools. Just a lot of kids running about together.
American teens touch each other about 60% less, and the touch THEMSELVES 60% more. And no, I mean nervous touching: self-hugging, rocking, rubbing and scratching. It’s an animal deprivation. Plus in US schools, there are ‘losers’: kids who are outcast or forced into isolated groups based on privilege or looks or popularity.
This is a sick society.
this sense has been denied too long
Beaut article Mark Greene, one of the reasons I currently live in Tanzania is to observe/participate in a culture where non-sexualised touch between males is ‘the norm’. I also observed this in Bali where the physical connection between males is lovely to see. One of the common denominators between these two cultures is, they are family/village/tribal cultures where historically the child is raised by the whole village and are fairly constantly being touched, caressed, fondled from birth. There is a lot of evidence emerging that this type of child raising develops neural pathways strong in socialisation and physicality. There are of course many other ‘problems’ occurring in the societies but I have found the non-sexual physical connections between males heartening.
Thankfully I live in a community (Byron Shire) filled with loving caring touchy feely people of both sexes where open hugging and warm physical touch is welcomed in many situations. It is not perfect but it is way better than the average community where nearly all touch by males is viewed with suspicion. It has been scientifically demonstrated that being part of a warm affectionate community is a valuable indicator of good health and longevity – way more important than another blood pressure drug. Our bubble should grow to become the norm – it is such a blessing to be here.
Like it or not, we are in a post-Freudian society and touch is inherently considered sexual. I think touch between men is increasing, but it’s almost always done with the intent of making fun of or mocking gay people or female/female friendships. If a guy sits down on the couch next to another guy and puts his arm around him as a sign of platonic affection, that isn’t going to end well most of the time. Ideally it shouldn’t be this way, but this is how it is. Most guys who are touchy-feely with each other do it for laughs and to draw attention to themselves, not to show platonic love to each other. As for homophobia, I don’t think acceptance of homosexuality is a factor as much as internalized homophobia; guys are afraid to be close with each other because it might look gay, unless of course that is what they are trying to do for a laugh.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece… a heartfelt clarion call for us to reawaken to the innate need to be touched, held, supported and comforted. As a teacher of Biodanza I have the deep privilege to witness groups rediscovering the simple joy of human contact, to see the long held barriers and armours dissolving under the gentlest of caresses, often releasing pent up torrents of emotion which serve to bring us closer and closer… when I take these sessions into nursing homes, especially dementia care settings, the yearning for touch is almost heart breaking but the beauty to be found in these simple platonic moments of reconnection is stunning… stay in touch! X
Mark, great article. I think you’re correct in drawing a connection between this unfortunate phenomenon (of men not getting enough Platonic touch) and homosexuality, but I think you miss the mark when you narrow the scope to homophobia specifically. Even setting aside homophobia and assuming everyone in a society were completely accepting of homosexual behavior, a prominence of homosexuality would still tend to contribute to this phenomenon.
It makes sense when you think about it. When homosexuality is not open and prevalent in a society, there is far less confusion about what man-to-man touch is intended to convey. On the Platonic-sexual continuum, most degrees of touching are pretty much assumed to be Platonic. But as homosexuality becomes more mainstream and prevalent, previously clear physical expressions can now have more meanings, and so people will tend toward those that are less ambiguous, decreasing the kinds of touch that people use.
Likewise, in your article you point out the understandable fear men have that a physical expression toward a woman will be misinterpreted as sexual. That’s not because they’re heterophobic, or hate heterosexual women; it’s because they don’t want to be misunderstood. Well, it’s the same phenomenon when they’re touching men. It’s not necessarily homophobia. You can be fine with homosexual lifestyles and still not want to communicate that you’re interested in having one.
Whether one favors the increasing acceptance of homosexuality or doesn’t, this general contraction-to-the-unambiguous in physical communication seems to be an inherent byproduct of this new direction in society. We can’t just chalk it up to homophobia.
If boys were taught to be more affectionate with each other, they might not be so eager to bash each others brains out when they are adults. Less violence and wars.
Absolutely fabulous article, thank you very much for addressing this. One thing that did leave me dismayed a bit was the only solution you posited was men having children. I’m 47 years old single and childless. I am very well aware of the fact that I suffer from touch deprivation but at my age I’m not sure if having a child would be the smartest thing to do especially since it would be basically financially impossible to do so. What is a man and my position to do?
This is fascinating! How can we women respond and help? I know it gets tricky because many women don’t want to lead a man on, but we also don’t know how much platonic physical touch men are ok with.
It also doesn’t help that we are taught by the media and culture that attention from a man usually equates with ‘more than friends’ interest, so then there is confusion. So then some of us (ahem, myself included) are more apt to back right off rather than send the wrong signals. In reality, we want platonic touch too, but, as you noted, we go to our female friends for it – but the need for platonic contact with men is there too. How should we help men address that?
Thank you for writing this! It’s an eye-opener to me, to say the least. I’m an Indian woman aged 46, went to an all-girls school and college, met my husband and married him at 24. I now have four children aged 16,13,11, & 7. My 13 year old is a boy named Aaron, and even though he’s taller than me, he enjoys cuddling up with me. Since he has three sisters, and a dad who hugs anyone and everyone who happens to be in front of him, Aaron is truly blessed. I pray he would never have to experience this painful reality.
I’m grateful, too, for my Indian culture, as my in-laws live with us, and have their grandchildren around then everyday.
I’m gonna pray for men, especially in America, to be set free from this unspoken pain that you have so eloquently described in the above article.
Once again, thank you and God bless you.
Your essay reminds me of a classic book from the late seventies called “The Hazards of Being Male” https://www.amazon.com/Hazards-Being-Male-Surviving-Masculine/dp/0965762874
I was in my early twenties when that book came out and left me very angry. Men were being denied their right to be human! Your article is an excellent 21st century follow up! Sadly your article shows how little progress has been made in allowing men in our culture the opportunity to be fully human. So sad.
My husband and I still have a copy of “The Hazards of Being Male” on our bookshelf after all these years.
I think it, along with your essay should be required reading for everyone, male or female.
An excellent article, thank you Mark Greene! I have two teenage sons and you have given me pause for thought, saying that I try to hug each of my children at least once a day, whether they wriggle out of it or not. Recently, I was also intrigued to see two French business partners kiss and hug each other in greeting every morning on going to the office or when meeting off site (both in the 40 – 50 year age group) – we are not used to seeing it happen in society and certainly not in business here in South Africa.
This is a surprising and much needed opening of discussion. It is refreshing to read an article that speaks to the experiences of men and boys as sociable human beings, as opposed to presuming innate flaws and wrongness (toxic masculinity etc) that has to be educated out of men.
I especially appreciate how you mentioned Italian culture, in which touch is more naturally and freely enjoyed by, and between, men. I’ve noticed this myself and it reflects how culture is flexible, not that men (in this case) are biologically predisposed to avoid physical closeness and touch.
Along similar lines people often say men are naturally more competitive than women, which I experience as more competition with the problem, not my peers! And I see this every time I pass a gang of linesmen, road workers, sewerage or construction workers shoulder to shoulder co-operatively overcoming a task at hand – for the most part not trying to push past and over each other to be the ‘winner’ – unless in playful jest.
Where I disagree is the second sentence here: “Accordingly, it has become every man’s job to prove they can be trusted, in each and every interaction, day by day and case by case. In part, because so many men have behaved poorly.”
I believe men try to prove they can be trusted largely because the stereotype that ‘so many men have behaved poorly’ has become a core part of our culture. And this narrative is a big part of why many men no longer become primary teachers or youth workers or scout leaders or sit near children on airplanes and so on. The risk of false accusation is significant in a culture that already suspects you to be likely to ‘behave poorly’. And those men who do brave the risks and enter these professions now tend to avoid touching children (healthy touch, sitting close, hugs, comforting etc) which in turn furthers the touch deficit.
Female teachers also – in a culture of fear toward anything that could be perceived in the slightest way as sexual – are becoming less physically close to the children, perhaps especially boys for risk of physical contact being deemed inappropriate.
And all this means less touch, less holding, less contact, less relaxed ease of physical affection and warmth between grown ups and children.
Countering these narratives (any way we can) seems a good start to a solution to me. Thanks for writing this article.
Wonderful article that pried my brain wide open. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in being a bit confused about something that should be so natural but, as you point out, simply isn’t for many people, and for many reasons.
This article is truly something that must be shared. Thank you very much.
I’ve been starved of affection all my life, when the last girlfriend I had died of alcoholism and my Grandmother soon after I have given up on just about everything, especially dating. I am so needy I think I could only be a burden, so I just isolate and wait to die.
Try and stay momentarily distracted for brief instances in the mean time
This article is AMAZING! It said everything I felt, but couldn’t quite explain. We are a huggy, touchy family. My sons hug me and each other every time we greet each other. Growing up, I hugged them and their friends because a lot of them didn’t get that at home. When I run into any of their friends now, they still hug me – without hesitation. I hug men all the time and it is amazing that they seem to appreciate so much, knowing that I don’t view it in any sexual way, but just to add that missing part of their lives. It is terrible that the “judgmental eye” is always there to determine what your intentions are. I see them all the time. I don’t care because I know how important touch is and how sad it is to see that people are afraid to show friendly affection by hugging, touching, holding hands, etc. I feel like I’m gushing over this article, but it is so accurate and so well written that I just want to share it with the world. It’s like a big hug! Well done!
In addition, I feel that a guy going to cuddle parties can easily evoke the reaction that he is a loser who can’t get laid.
if this is so factual, how come in the ancient empires the most brutal and violent armies were men who not just openly engaged in tough but also were bisexual were so prevalent. Specifically, Rome, Greece and Japan?? IDK, I’m a bisexual male (just in case your read this and want to scream “HOMOPHOBIAAAAA!!!”) and 36 so I am secure about that and gay and straight men are the right and left arm of misogyny and homophobia. This is a recent cultural phenomenon.
I wouldn’t say this is going to “make men so sappy and peaceful” as I demonstrated above with the ancient world showing more brutality and dominance from more intimate male contact. I think there is a passive aggressive homophobic undertone to this article that will push men away because gay and straight men both are conforming to homophobic norms.
infant circumcision starts the discomfort with touch. Trust and bonds are damaged. It needs to end.