Why Searching for Happiness is Not Enough

Why Searching for Happiness is Not Enough
How to Return to Wholeness

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular. ― C.G. Jung

I picked a card from my pack of Pema Chödrön’s ‘Compassion Cards’. It said, “Regard all dharmas as dreams”. This means to regard all the elements that make up our empirical existence as dreams, as transient and non-absolute.

Going to seminar after seminar when I was 15 years old, I thought I was on the path to happiness, and I was. I’d mastered the art of noticing negative mental patterns and habits and re-directing them to ones that served me and created the experience I was seeking.

As ‘negative’ emotions arose I’d notice them, do an affirmation, incantation or cover them up with excessive joy so that I could experience the happiness I sought.

Wholeness not happinessWholeness means not suppressing parts of ourselves that aren’t ‘good’.

Shallow Happiness

This felt great for a time. Slowly, slowly though, it started to feel a little shallow. When trying to connect with others at events or gatherings, it felt inauthentic: “Oh yeah I’m great thanks”. Always sharing how it I ‘wanted’ to be feeling but rarely how I was actually feeling deep down. As a result my relationship with others only seemed to grow so far — not to mention my relationship with my Self.

Facebook, Instagram and social media made this incredibly challenging also. Only seeing how ‘happy’ people were, as if happiness was the goal.

In Parker Palmer’s book, A Hidden Wholeness he talks about the practice of a ‘Circle of Trust’ as a way to “create space for the soul to speak.” For those in the circle to come to know the wholeness of who they are, to learn to love the entirety of themselves.

This neglecting and suppression of parts of ourselves that aren’t ‘good’ or don’t lead to happiness leads to something else; for me it is feeling disconnected, incomplete and inauthentic.

Happiness is not the goalSocial media makes us feel that happiness is the goal.

The Four Quadrants

The four quadrants provide a framework for understanding how to return to wholeness:

  1. Low-negative might be a moment of depression or sadness.
  2. Low-positive might be a moment of peace, joy and balance.
  3. High-negative might be a moment of anger or activist-minded (against!)
  4. High-positive might be a moment of ecstatic joy, celebration or excitement.


We each step into the quadrant on the floor, and let ourselves be witnessed in each quadrant as we express our emotion around a specific event that has had us feel this way. Letting ourselves be seen in these four quadrants give us the experience of learning to be ok with our full selves.

Through the absence of what we think we have to have we can discover our wholeness. ― Renae A. Sauter

A more empowered happinessLet yourself be the total expression of who you truly are.

Empowered Liberation

It’s almost a more empowered ‘happiness.’ When you can let yourself be in the total expression of who you really are, and observe from an observer’s perspective you are more empowered to navigate through your feelings with conscious awareness. With a more comfortable relationship to all of the parts of ourselves, we can choose when to let ourselves sit in and be with each.

All of our feelings and emotions are transient and forever transitioning to another as we enter a new ‘now’. Recognising this and letting ourselves experience the autonomy and liberation in observing this process without needing to manipulate or engineer our expression can be truly liberating.

So my question is: is it happiness we are seeking, or is it wholeness? If wholeness leads to an empowered liberation, is this more expansive and all-encompassing that happiness by itself?

“Join international author and facilitator Al Jeffery in a retreat to explore the basics of permaculture and self-mastery as we return to our authentic selves, in community.

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