Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.
What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?
That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope for that. We’re human.
Because here’s the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it, but love is on the forefront of our actions, even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds. It’s the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It’s the reason you went to that barbecue that you didn’t want to go to last weekend. It’s the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that’s coming next. Love is what inspires most of your greatest changes.
What Would Change?
So if you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?
Your first inclination may be to say “nothing.” After all, you’re a smart person. You have plans that don’t involve someone else’s influence. We all do. But ponder it a few moments more. Because here’s what we don’t want to admit about love: it is a crutch that we use all the time. The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.
If you knew that love would never be an option for you, what would be? How would you structure the rest of your life? Would it have a heavier focus on career, a stronger inclination toward success? Or would you use the time to invest in yourself – go on a few more vacations, travel further outside your comfort zone? If you knew that you would never again feel the rush of budding romance, where would you turn to for your thrills? How would you get your blood pumping?
And what about your other relationships – would they suddenly take on more weight? Would you spend more time appreciating your family, if you knew that they are the people who will have loved you the most strongly at the end of your life? What about your friendships? Would you nurture and care more for the people who love you platonically if you knew that nobody would ever love you romantically? Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?
Embracing the Freedom
My inclination is to believe that never finding love would be a game-changer for most of us. One we’d initially consider to be devastating but may eventually realize is the ultimate liberation. Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else. Love holds us back in an infinite amount of subtle ways that perhaps we do not even realize. And the guarantee of its absence may just be the ultimate sense of liberation.
Because if we didn’t have to search for the love of our lives, we would finally be free to realize that we are allowed to be the loves of our own. That we can spend our lives developing ourselves, challenging ourselves, pampering ourselves and building ourselves up to be bigger, more capable people than we ever once hoped to become. We could become everything we’ve been searching for. We could construct our soul mates in ourselves.
What You Need to Do
If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that’s the only thing you know for sure – that through every triumph, every failure, every fear, and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your own hand when you’re broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don’t know what are.
We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely, and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming, not just your own life, but the lives of people around you.
So stop looking for ‘The One’ to spend the rest of your life with. Be ‘The One’.
And let everybody else come searching for you.
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Featured Image: Ana Luísa Pinto
I felt I had met and married ‘The One’ until after 27 years of marriage he walked out to be with someone else that he called ‘The One’. The disillusionment has been a life changing event for me. We had built an amazing life filled with everything one would usually define as success in life. The heartbreak and chaos that followed with our family broken and futures rewritten has been a journey without a clue of where all the broken pieces will settle. This article is a guiding inspiration to me and I thank you for the perspective. I want to find self-love and inspiration in my solo life.
To go through life as a single man is very rough, especially with no family and friends. Everyone would really want to have a love life which is human nature. Who would want to be single and alone forever anyway? Meeting the one is very extremely difficult as it is unfortunately, especially for many of us men that really never wanted to be single in the first place. Meeting a good woman for many of us men isn’t easy today which makes our life very hard enough as it is.
I re-read this article from time to time and I just want to say thank you for the message. It really has helped me with being single and loving myself… even just having that mindset… just changing the way I think.
Some people read this and you can tell they don’t 100% get the message… based off comments.
Most women have very high outrageous standards nowadays for us men which makes these type of women real total losers to begin with.
Thanks Heidi for this brutal but necessary article. I am a 56 year old single lady that just recently came to the realization finally(!)after all these years and heartache that there is no one true love/soulmate/twin flame for my life. My last “failure” really did me in and I’m still suffering after effects as I really thought he was “the one”. Like an ice cold bucket of water flung in my face-my illusion of my so-called soulmate imploded on me-for reasons I won’t get into here- I’ve been a deep funk ever since-this last one REALLY has hit me hard.Your article drove home the fact of what I’ve always known deep in my soul but never wished to admit is that I will be alone until I die.Soulmates are a dangerous delusion for people to believe in as this gives false hope which leads to heartache and thus emotional health issues-which I am trying to deal with now.Sometimes the cold hard reality of “love” is that it’s not a fairy-tale and some of us will never live “happily ever after”. Blessings to all.
I’d probably kill myself? I mean, maybe not immediately, but if I knew for absolute certainty that I would never find someone to love and be loved in return, I’d be effectively living unfulfilled for the rest of my life. Why should I pretend that that’s okay and just deal with it? At least now I don’t know, so it’s possible that I will find someone. But if I knew for certain, I might as well just give up.
I am reading this three years after your original post and I am floored. Literally, your message has brought me to my knees and I am so very grateful for the insight you have given me. I have never offered myself what I wanted someone else to offer me, until today. Many thanks and much love always.
Today we really are living in a totally different time compared to the past when it was much easier finding the one back then, and our family members were very blessed and lucky to be born at a much better time than we were. Finding love wasn’t hard at all in the past, and there are a few couples believe it or not that have been married over eighty years and still together now. Women were certainly a lot different back then, very old fashioned, and Real Ladies too which is why men never had trouble at all meeting women in those days. Today feminism is everywhere now which most of these women don’t even like men at all, especially when many of us single men will try to start a conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet which they will be very nasty to us most of the time unfortunately. So now with so many women having a career today which a great deal of these women now are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, think they’re all that, gold diggers, and very money hungry altogether since they will want the men with the big bucks to begin with anyway. So this is why many of us men will never find the one at all since most of these very pathetic women now will only want the very best and will never ever settle for less either.
I found this article awhile ago- when I was a freshman in high school. At the time, I had just confessed to this guy I liked. I wasn’t the most comfortable with my sexuality, and although he didn’t react negatively, he did not reciprocate my feelings. When that happened, the first time I’d felt butterflies, I thought that I’d never find a soulmate.
That was years ago. Just last year, I began university by travelling abroad to Britain and I found a boy I thought was my soulmate. Everything that I was afraid of, that I wouldn’t find another guy who was cute and funny and kind and loving- all of those fears faded away. Things were magical, for a while. Then I went home.
We tried our best. We went 4 months long distance, he in his home country and me in mine. Just this month, he told me that he couldn’t do it anymore, the relationship was wearing him down. I was devastated- I really thought I’d found a home in him, a soulmate, a reason to be happy.
I’ve done a lot of thinking since then, and it all comes back to this article. This article, that I almost live my life to, because it’s not enough that I find the one- I have to become the person I want to fall in love with if I want to love myself.
Thank you for this gift. You’ve helped me more than you know.
Well it is the kind of women that are everywhere that are the real problem now for many of us single good men since Feminism today is much worse than Cancer now, and with these type of very pathetic low life loser women that are real men haters to begin with which they really are the ones to blame as well altogether. MGTOW is getting much stronger today more than ever before, and it is a real lifesaver for many of us smart men as well. GO MGTOW MEN, and save yourselves a lot of trouble.
I dont think theres an age u reach where u stop seeking attention and connection from the other sex. It doesnt just turn off imho. The rest of the article had some good points