The Man that Almost Lived

BY Casey Desharnais
The Man that Almost Lived
Stepping into the Ring

A shadow walker,  An air breather, A functional Ghost

He Walked, Talked, Touched, Partnered, Dined, Traveled and Made Love

Yet, he was not Present for it, Present to it

A Masked Man

Watching his own life move from the sidelines, hiding inside, buried alive

Soul Submersed in the dim caverns

A character constructed to become something Valuable

A persona carrying out the actions of his life

To gain what he imagined might be love

An Adaptation to an external void

His real truth a fraction of his existence, at best

Being his fullness, deemed too unsafe, too much, too controversial, too risky

A choice, he imagined that would surely lead to loss of love and connection

Connection that he had worked so hard to cobble together

Settling for small Pieces of life, Scraps of Connection and Love

Chasing people for their attention

Energetically begging for validation

Semi-successful by societal standards

A career path, A Right way, a little family

Navigating logic, disconnected from intuition

Neck up Life

All system energy diverted to Mind

Energizing the neurosis, mind mapping the environment for threats and safety

Numb to his soul, his essence, his unique signature, his powerful presence, intuition

Pain alerted him to De-Energize his heart

Learning, his heart wasn’t a safe place to be known from

Energy spent shaping/bending himself into something/someone that would be honored

A steady diet of Shame and Shoulds, Replays and Regrets

An aching dullness grew as he neared the picture of a successful life

A flatness, a void, boulders of unprocessed pain

The illusion of remaining safe from the ultimate hurt

Kept him from fully loving and receiving love

Knowing not of his deepest desires, passions or inspirations, for they had been intentionally hidden, intentionally abandoned, intentionally un-trusted.

Fulfilling his role, A role cast for him by the structures around him as a boy

The Boy that locked up his soul/his heart in a cage deep below the surface

Out of aim, out of reach, out of sight from the arrows

Where it could not be weaponized again

Wondering, could he recover it again someday?

The spiritual haunting of disconnection, of self-abandonment

Energy spent Holding up the persona, being the role

He grew weary, Tired of the performance, the lie, the shallow end

Stories too painful to face, Too buried to be known

An alternate way of life too vague and far out of reach to be realized

Who was he to have needs?

Who was he to have insight?

Who was he to desire Real Love?

Who was he to do something that mattered?

Who was he to feel deeper into life?

Life served him the opportunity to fall apart

The mask could no longer protect him,

The implosion was happening

Confronted, he met the depth of his despair

He let life as he knew it fall to pieces

And, a sense of relief came

For if nothing else – At least this was honest

The functional ghost drowning in the vast emptiness

The profound void

And, As he found his tears

He found unforeseen strength to turn towards life,

Towards FEELING

The rage, the sadness, the grief, the emptiness, the judgement, the shame, the regret

To risk vulnerability, To risk speaking, To risk confusion, To risk loving

To search for what his heart desired

In faith, that something must be essentially right within him

He chose to tell the truth

To know integrity, to feel the energy of soul that had refused to drown in the abyss

He worked to break down his walls and open to his life

Watching the persona crumble to its drawn-out death

Contacting his heart again

Meeting the BOY he locked away all those years ago

The heart age of that boy shuttered through his nervous system

Re-contacting a buried aliveness

Crying his tears, meeting his sadness, Feeling his vigor, his Joy

Grief, Sadness, Love, potential

Locked up in the depths of an Abandoned heart

He held the boy as he shook violently, fears surfacing

As he screamed in anger – At the injustice

Full-body crying as a river of generations of pain flooded out of him

An adult psyche held his Boy heart

And, He brought the boy back to life

In circle with other Men – Risking Heart living

Men Risking Love, Willing to de-construct, to know themselves

Astounded at the extent to which he had been trained to leave himself

Shame would visit and attempt to sabotage his Reconciliation

He Questioned?

Would his heart to be an effective comrade in life again?

Or, would it again lead him to unshakeable pain, social banishment, and isolation?

He chose to risk finding out

To believe in his own humanity

To find and live out his soul’s mission

And,

At times he Touched life fully

At times he felt his Faith outweigh his shame

He spoke from his Heart in courage

He made love to a woman with his full presence

He experienced walking embodied in his true essence

At times he put 100% of his being towards something

 

Now, as he Leaves this life behind

He is proud He chose to get into the ring

Although, perfection told Him he didn’t quite make it to the match…

A Deeper, ancient Knowing revealed the sense that…

Maybe being in the Ring Is the Deepest Humanity we have to experience.

BY Casey Desharnais
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