BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T SEE ME

Because you couldn’t see me,
I thought I wasn’t there.

When I was a little girl, I could see things.
I could feel things. I could feel what other people were feeling,
I could hear their thoughts, finish their sentences.

That was received and met with
disapproval mostly,
a shocked face, and then a gap,
a distancing…
as I felt them in retreat
from me.

I knew that I was full of light and full of love,
full of knowledge, truth, awareness,
presence, and exuberance.

My love was overflowing,
seeking to be met, to be received,
to be appreciated and reciprocated,
and I was eagerly awaiting
the glorious exchange.

It seemed so natural, authentic, intrinsic, so true.
This love seeking love, seeking expansion, growth,
flowering, blooming.
Togetherness.

Ahhhh, the exquisiteness of one moment
of my mother’s loving hug, laughing with my brother,
or a smile from my father –
and my heart would light up
like fireworks!

These moments were few and far between,
but just enough to keep me seeking more.
Just enough to know without a doubt
it really did exist, this love,
this pure, loving connection
flowing like a mighty river.
At least, I felt it.

But the moments got further and further apart,
and the space got filled with rules and expectations,
definitions for who I was supposed to be
and become.

The expectations dangled with a promise
of love rewarded,
but, apparently, I was never good enough
to receive.

The rules kept changing, being redesigned arbitrarily,
my enthusiasm waning with every rejection.

I thought it must just be my family!
Ok – I’ll wait. I’ll grow up, get married, have children,
have my own family, and live happily ever after!

Ahhh, the innocence of my sweet self!

Did you ever feel this way?

And in every relationship, I was seeking love
and finding love, beautiful love!

Again, I was reaching out, longing to meet
in the place of always prioritizing love
as the pinnacle of life.

But we didn’t know, us humans.
We didn’t remember.
We got lost.
So lost.

We hurt each other.
We didn’t really know how not to.

I spent a lifetime seeking to be loved,
to have my love received, to honor that delicious flowing
nectar of loving connection.

I tried to adhere to exalted paths
in numerous contortions of my being,
and still experienced rejection, abandonment, loss,
disappointment, betrayal, blame,
and resentment.

I diminished myself until I almost disappeared,
seeking nothingness as a spiritual path.

Until I realized that I somehow had absorbed
and believed the idea that I needed recognition,
approval, acknowledgment, agreement,
and some kind of verification,
confirmation, and certification
from some external
authority.

Or maybe I even believed that my ok-ness,
much less my greatness,
needed some kind of collective
external consensus.

Yet, it was always vague and unclear how
that would actually happen.

Did you ever feel this way?

And this wound in my heart,
this excruciating pain in my heart,
just kept getting deeper and deeper.

But then, I finally found
that all that disappointment,
grief, and loss revealed an empty seat
in the center of my heart.

A seat I had kept trying to give away.
A seat on which I kept placing someone else:
my father, my mother, my boyfriends, my teachers,
my husband, my children, my grandchildren …

But all the external rejection and abandonment
led me here, to the seat in my heart.
To the throne in my heart,
waiting to be filled by none other
than me.

And I took my seat.

It was one of the hardest
and most courageous moves I ever made.

I sat on the throne in my own heart.

And I sit on my throne,
my golden throne made of light and love.
And I feel all the pain,
and all the love.

It’s been quite the journey into the unknown,
navigating my life from a completely fresh perspective.
It’s been scary, afraid of being seen as selfish,
uncaring, narcissistic.

It’s an ongoing journey of feeling, inquiry,
tears, and laughter!
Very painful and absolutely exhilarating,
and utterly profound.

And I also found within me a pivotal
and core assumption
that had slipped in and
made itself at home:

Because they couldn’t see me,
I thought I wasn’t there.

Because no one could really see me,
I thought I wasn’t there.

Well, here I am!

Here I am.

And yes, because you couldn’t see me,
I thought I wasn’t there.

Because you couldn’t love me,
I thought I wasn’t loved or lovable.

Because you hurt me and belittled me,
I thought I wasn’t good enough.

Because you diminished me and judged me
with disapproval, I thought I was unworthy.

Because you lied about me, blamed me,
rejected and abandoned me,
I crumpled.

But truly,
because I placed my eyes on you,
I led myself astray.

Seeking love, approval, appreciation, respect,
recognition, and worthiness, from all of you,
so I could feel good about myself!

I crawled through that long, dark, dank tunnel –
an unspeakable, excruciating journey.

But at the end, I found what I was looking for.

Myself.

Myself, held in dignity and love.
Myself, undeniably and unequivocally loved.
Myself, bright, brilliant, adorable,
beautiful, pure, innocent,
and utterly good.

I’m no longer willing to deny, diminish, grovel, or
disappear myself.

My light is more brilliant than can be seen
by any human eyes,
my beauty is more profound and glorious.
The love that I am is unequivocally
pure and magnificent.

And I am infinitely greater
than even I can acknowledge.
I am being and becoming
more of all of this,
which is myself,
with every breath.

Right here, right now,
here I am –
peacefully, quietly, happily,
and sometimes painfully,
occupying the golden throne
in my own heart.

And I invite you to look into your heart,
and discover your own golden throne,
pulsating with light and love.

And Take Your Seat!

Much Love!

✨ ✨ ✨ 🤍 ✨ ✨ ✨