Awakening is a Destructive Process

Awakening is a Destructive Process
There is No Easy Road

Enlightenment is a destructive process.
 has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.
Enlightenment is the

crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing
through the facade of pretense. It’s the
complete eradication of everything we
imagined to be true.
– Adyashanti

Make no bones about it, awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. In The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, they had to enter into the Mirkwood Forest to get to their destination. There was no other way for them. It was not a walk in the park. Likewise, we must enter the shadowlands, and come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are can be shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

My good friend, Julie Anne gave a good description of this process in Enlightenment. It is a complete surrender, a process of brutal self-honesty. It is a path of complete acceptance of the truth, no matter how difficult it is to bear. I still remember it vividly.

We go through life with so many false notions – of the world, of spirituality and of ourselves. We build up masks and we believe the facades. It’s all a charade. It is all based upon illusions and deceit. We deceive ourselves at every moment, and the world also deceives us at every moment. We live in perpetual cognitive dissonance, justifying the most absurd things in our minds. We constantly lie to ourselves…. and we believe it.

To awaken to the truth that you seek, you must tear down the lies.

But we are too attached to the lies. We want to hold on to the illusions and to become enlightened at the same time. That is not possible. But there are hundreds of phoney gurus and ‘spiritual teachers’ that will tell you it is. They offer you processes to become happy, fulfilled, calm, find your soulmate, be positive, get the right job, make lots of money, balance the chakras, become healthy and whatever else you may be desiring. This has nothing to do with awakening. This is only polishing the ego. They all lead you right back into the matrix. You may even be lucky enough to get a golden cage, but it is still a cage, and you remain imprisoned in slavery. This is the road that most people choose to follow. This road is well travelled by the herd.

Photo by Snowscat

The Road to Truth and Freedom

It takes courage, discernment, and self-honesty to walk the Siddhartha road to truth and freedom. Not many people have that. We have been weakened by the onslaught of programming since our childhood. Most people want to remain in the herd, as they find comfort in the company of other deluded souls. It takes a certain individual to break free of the herd. The Siddhartha road is not easy. It is a treacherous road that will shatter every part of your existence. No, it takes a certain type of person to walk that road; a person that is willing to give up everything to find his true Self.

My story was one that took me through so many paths to nowhere; detours, dead ends and off of cliffs. I had to eventually be dragged, kicking and screaming through the abyss by Grace herself, for me to awaken. It was simply my time.

Now the strange thing about this, is that worse things have happened to me before, so why did this hit me so hard? I believe because it was supposed to, for me to transform. I took everything much harder than I ever did before. Also, everything came crashing down at once. In the past, I was strong, and I kept my sense of self, of who I thought I was. But this time, my sense of self, who I thought I was, gave up. I stopped trying to be strong. I just collapsed.

Yes, I remember it well. My entire life story collapsed overnight. My girlfriend of five years ran off with another man. And she lived across the street. So every morning I would look out the window to see his van, just to rub it in. I kept saying, “There must be a purpose for this.” My health collapsed, my business collapsed, and those that I thought were my friends were not. I was alone. I tried to be in denial, grabbing straws as I was being dragged down into the abyss. My world around me collapsed, but so did my self-worth, self-esteem and my false ego. I felt unloved and abandoned. My life story shattered.

In the Depths of Darkness

I was left in this darkness for some time; four months. In that time, I was slowly being dismantled, as I had to face the hard cold facts. I had to be brutally honest with myself. Eventually, I came to the point of realizing that I hated my broken body, I hated the world, I hated myself, and I really hated god. Yes, I was very angry at him. He abandoned me. I felt the entire world abandoned me. It wasn’t fair. I threw out everything spiritual in my house. I was facing my darkness with brutal honesty. I sat with that for a while. Imagine the despair of seeing what lies hidden behind your persona, behind the lies you tell yourself daily.

And then a very powerful voice spoke to me. From where this voice came from, I do not know. It said, “Just surrender to the suffering.” That was it. So I thought about it. I realized that I was not accepting what was happening to me. I was fighting it. I was trying to push away the suffering, but it was obviously not working. So I followed the message, and surrendered to the suffering, that which is.

This continued for two weeks, right through Christmas. I felt so rejected, so abandoned, so alone. The pain of being stripped naked in the frigid cold, with no hope in sight. But I accepted what was happening. I was no longer trying to push it away. The suffering felt endless, yet I endured it. I don’t even know how to explain it. And then on the morning of January 1, 2004, I woke up. Not to a new year, but a new life. The suffering was gone, all was forgiven, and I was at peace. A peace that I had never known before. That which I thought I was no longer existed. My false perception of Self vanished. I remember the singing of the birds, the sun entering through the window, and everything around me was seen in a new light – a light of awe and amazement. My mind had ceased its chatter, I was experiencing a very deep peace.

And then it started – wave after wave of revelations, of deep knowings. I began to awaken to who I Am. I became acutely aware that I Am eternal and sovereign. Each wave awakened me more to my deepest Self. Each wave also shattered the illusions and deceptions of the world. As I awakened, my eyes saw a very different world. All the pieces fell into place. Someday I will describe the many revelations that flooded over me. I have already written much about it.

Letting go. Photo by Pedro da Silva

Divine Connection

The largest wave came a couple of weeks into this. I was meditating, and I went so deep, following the river of life to the depths of my Being. I was empty, but then from this emptiness, a powerful divine love sprang forth, inundating my entire mind and body. This love is unconditional. It spread out from me everywhere. All of the bugs, the lizards, the birds, the plants, the trees, everything was inundated with this love. I could not tell where I ended and the other Beings began. We were all intrinsically connected with this love; and yet my individual Self remained. I was not the bugs, the birds or the plants, but the connection was so deep, that I felt they were as if a part of me. There was simultaneously separation and no separation. It is not easy to describe, but this divine love is nothing like the love of this world.

But when you do awaken, and you do see the world with new eyes, you soon realize that no one else is seeing the same thing. I tried to tell a few people what had happened to me, but no one believed me. They thought that perhaps I cracked under the pressure of suffering and had gone crazy. No one wanted to hear anything I said, as it exposed their false beliefs. So I remained quiet for eight years.

I awoke, only to find the rest of the world still sleeping. – Leonardo daVinci

How can I possibly explain something so deep, beyond the mind, where people have no concepts or understanding? What I woke up to I call Knowings, as opposed to knowledge. Knowledge comes from outside of the Self, either from the world or from ‘up above.’ Knowings are who you are. It is not new information, but rather an awakening to your true Self. Someone who has not awakened to his true Self has a difficult time understanding. They believe it is just knowledge, a different set of beliefs. Therefore people say things like, “That is your idea of Truth. It’s different from mine.” or “There is no absolute Truth, only relative truths.” They think they are only my beliefs. It is quite pointless to explain this to people because all they know is beliefs. So I remain alone, with but a few friends that have experienced their own dark night of the soul, and awakened to their true Self, if sometimes only a glimmer. That is all it takes for one to see that there is a deep consciousness separate from the vast majority of people.

Walking on that road alone. Photo by Nathan Trampe

On the Road to the Self

When one decides to take the Siddhartha road to the Self, he soon realizes he is alone on that road. The herd is going in the opposite direction. One must be prepared for that, to find comfort in being alone, not understood by others.

I cannot take any credit for my awakening. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, grasping straws. No, I take no credit. It was by Grace alone.

Grace is within you. Grace is your Self. Grace is not something to be acquired from others. If it is external, it is useless. All that is necessary is to know its existence is in you. You are never out of its operation. – Ramana Maharshi

As Eckhart Tolle has stated, you don’t have to wait for the dark night of the soul to dismantle your false notions, your false self, your life story. You can consciously take that road. But it demands courage, discernment, and brutal honesty of yourself. The mind is a very tricky opponent and will deceive you at every step, as your awakening is the end of its control over you. But it can be done. Nisargadatta Maharaj did it. You must simply allow Grace to act within you.

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. – Eckhart Tolle

So the choice rests with each of you. No one can do this for you. All I, or anyone else, can offer you are signposts, pointing in the direction. But you, and you alone, must take that road. It does little good to read my writings and not act upon them, to not take that road yourself. Otherwise, you are only hanging out at the signposts, believing that you have already arrived at the destination.

This road is not for the timid or the faint of heart. not at all. But there is no other road. No one will simply wave a magic wand over you. It is a road of destruction and the question is, “How much are you willing to give up? How much can you endure?” Because on this road, you must give up everything. Every piece of you will shatter. Can you endure that? As the great Bhaktivinode Thakur has written, “You must die to live.” So how serious are you? How much do you want it? How much will you pay for it?

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Why Is Spiritual Awakening So Hard? (Reasons & solutions)
3 days ago

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19 days ago

Very beautiful accounting of the dark night of the soul….not that it takes this level of suffering for all of us. But, no, there are no short cuts. Sometimes the path can be steep, lonely and discouraging. One thing that isn’t mentioned is beautifully described by Maslow in his Hierarchy of Needs. At the very foundation (while in the human body) is where our basic survival needs lie: food, water and shelter. If those are threatened, they can and will suck up all our energy….making the top needs (enlightenment) less of a focus.

Dave Oshana
Dave Oshana
11 months ago

Getting Enlightened can be fun too. I don’t recall any dark night of the soul. However, I recognise that some struggle as they shed old ways and habits.

Alexander Lenard
Alexander Lenard
1 year ago

I have come to Netherlands last year, in November. I’m 24, from Poland, been living on my own since 17. I came here in order to change the environment, cut all of the outer influence over my mind and figure out who am I and what I truly want to pursue in life. Live become slow and meaningless, no passion, I couldn’t make any progress whatsoever, just reading books. On 26-th February, I had enough. I wanted to gain full control over my actions, yet it turned out I was nothing more than a sum of habits and patterns, I couldn’t grip myself from. On that day, I wrote down like 17-teen times, that I wish to die. I didn’t think of any particular action, yet meant it. I came home, sat on my bed, and thought to myself, that’s it. Now. My spine got straight, my whole body was squeezed, it was so tense.
I had never had a panic attack before, nor had any medical condition. I was in the middle of Joe Dispenza book: Breaking the habit of being yourself.
So, instead of being overwhelmed, the sentence from the book came to the surface of my mind, that the feeling is just the chemicals in my body, that it is actually desirable that I feel it.
So I accepted the feeling of fear.
Then I thought that I was loosing my mind.
Again, I thought about the book, literally on the cover it’s written: „Lose your mind, and create a new one.”
So I thought: isn’t that what I want? To lose my mind, so I can actually change?
So I let go of the feeling of fear, and what happened next I am completely unable to describe, even to myself.
The closest would be the explosion, visually I can only reconstruct my first interpretations about this experience – not the memory itself. A small fragment. But it was enormous. I say it, because my sense of myself was lost.
Like I was literally everything there is for eternity – then:
First thing I do remember, was walking around the room – I was there for 4 months, but it all felt like I had been there for the first time. The feeling… I felt like this as child. I would touch everything, and marvel at it. Then I realised… first time in over 12 years, there were no thoughts in my head.Thoughts become small happenings, my whole perspective changed. I was no longer the body, I would look at my hands and see it as MY body. And I was no longer the mind, now it was MY mind.
The next days, were blissful, I just was, for hours, in the simplest tasks, and the nature… everything was literally vibrating.
I was fully conscious of my actions, all of the sudden I could do what I choose to do in a given moment, not what my emotional patterns conditioned me to do.
Every little movement was intentional. Everything became possible.
One could say I sat on the bed, and get up a moment later as a different man, as my actions changed in an unpreccetented way.
The dream came true.
Well, it didn’t last. Gradually, week after week, I was loosing this state, although Ive changed a dozen of habits and quit EVERY addiction since February, being: sugar, cigarettes, marihuana, and the worst of the all – pornography; developed a clear vision of what I desire to pursue and decided to finish my solitude in the near future. Started exercising, cooking and taking greater care of myself than I have ever had. My attention span is getting longer, the way I move is different, I have vivid dreams every night. My imagination works different, I’m able to focus on seeing things right now, that are not there, or see multiple courses of action I could undertake.
Fast forward today.
I’ve never experienced such intense anxiety, as in last six weeks. Six weeks ago, I was hospitalised, I thought was getting a heart attack, it was a public place.
I had about 8 panic attacks since, and was hospitalised once more in a public place.Last 6 weeks were a battle, feeling claustrophobic in my own body, fighting for breath. Even my sleep, got seriously deprived by now. Flashes of pain in the lungs, flashes of pain in the brain, mostly left side, sometimes right. Humming from inside-out in my head, getting stronger if I focus on it and straighten myself up – my anxiety goes over the ruff if I do. Every time my mind get quiet, instead of bliss, I’m on the verge of a panic attack. It’s the 4th day now that I literally cannot relax even for a moment, I stand all the time, and have to focus on anything to survive. Nothing helps, even concuss breathing. I am afraid of meditation. Being alone is not helpful in this situation at all. I am scared of whatever is happening, today I am feeling like I am about to pass out all day long.
I’m being torn apart, with two beliefs system crashing – I have either fallen asleep again and it will not end until I surrender to the fear of sudden death – or this is all bullshit and I have seriously gone made. Help me.

joe vee
joe vee
1 year ago

I am writing this comment with tears of joy. My marriage fell apart after 6 months because my mother In-law asked my husband to divorce me and marriage the woman she betroth to him as his wife. All this drama started happening in our marriage and my husband left me and our one month baby just so he could do as his mom wants him to.
I was in tears and shattered for 6 months because I could not imagine my whole life crumbling in front of me. I could not continue with work and baby responsibilities so I quit working. Things became more difficult until my best friend advised me to meet a love doctor that fixed her marriage with a RETURN LOVER SPELL that works as fast as 12 hours after casting the spell. I concord and decided to contact this spell doctor and guess what. My husband came to my mom house with his family in less than 12 hours after casting the spell. Even his mom came back asking me for forgiveness and also to reconcile with my husband who left me. They have been coming for the past 3 days and now everyone is asking me to take him back. I am so grateful for what this love spell doctor has done for me. I am thinking of accepting his apologize and move on as family just as my mom advised.
Anyone who wants their lover back should write to love doctor on Love Spell doctor on lovespelldoctor0(at)gmail. com
God bless you as you find your happiness through this testimony.

1 year ago

I had a similar awakening, in June of 1999, I have issues with broken people invading my life, I cannot seem to find the balance, I am being drained. Is there another awakening coming?
Do I need to shut people out of my life?

Madeline Small
Madeline Small
1 year ago

Absolutely loved this!! I had a similar experience of everything collapsing, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, dread, anger at God. Then a voice saying ” Stop asking me to take the pain away, be with it. I will show you how to be with it. You, your false self, inner children, ego cannot do this. I have allowed you to become powerless and helpless so you can reach for a different source on which to rely…your true self, one with me. This great pain is the result of you, your ego, trying harder, your fear and control. But now see what I can do”.

After this I began meditating and doing body work. My life got much better, but still there are remnents of the frightened children within with their fears and delusions, the ego is just another name for these children, I call them the Wounded and Adapted children, one powerless the other seekng power. These are to be met with much compassion and PATIENCE. Holding them, not pushing away their voices of fear and delusions, and AFTER accepting and holding them, then speaking the truth to them. At the moment I am reaching new depths of seeming ‘lonliness’ and old voices of abandonment, and yo-yo’ing between keeping still and resisting the urge to ‘do’ more out there in the world. I hear a voice now saying ” I want you to learn how to be with the ‘nothing’ the perceived ’emptiness’….(an extension of my past collapsing experience 5 years ago), I want you to surrender ALL your moments to me, I want to answer all your prayers of wanting to be in my presence, soon all your ‘doing’ will come from this place, led by me, from the flow, from a place of ease and no effort”.

Nice, great, lovely! Uff! Not always so, because I’m meeting deeper, way deeper shadow stuff, the kind where you ‘become’ those children again, there sat on the couch, and all the intellect and knowing can’t seem to take you out of it, you’re in it!! Here I learn to ASK to be shown. And then I remember….to be with, to hold, to forgive myself ( though there is nothing to forgive). Like waves I move in and out of being in ego then waking again to conciousness. All the time asking. Remembering that I’m not alone! That this spiritual journey is happening to me and I’m safe, a power greater ghan me IS in charge. Yes not easy, but wonderful!! Talk about living on the edge! Anyway REALLY liked what Chris said in this article, fellow traveller for sure! Sending out the love to him and all on this site. xxx

1 year ago

Every word you wrote resonated with me on a subatomic level. I didn’t even know what an ‘awakening’ was until months into my descent into hell. A year later, I’m finally starting to claw my way out of the abyss. There are many memories of this journey I wish I could forget. — Parts of my psyche (whether my thoughts or not) I wish hadn’t manifested into regrettable actions. People I thought ‘must love me’ because they’re family. Perhaps I prolonged my hell because I tried so hard to find a way back to some measure of illusion. Instead, I may have simply confused the truth of one situation with illusion of another. Who knows?
Thank you for writing this, though. I work regularly to reinforce my faith in the process, now I know there is one. This is inspiring. It’s comforting to know that losing everything I thought I wanted, and no small measure of what I truly wanted, will be worth it in the end.

1 year ago

On see video on dark night of the soul by christina lopes and also visit and read about dark night of the soul.

1 year ago

4 months and then you woken up and all was gone? Hmmmmm. Man, I am going through this shit for more than 2 and a half years and I see no end!! My health goes into shit, I lost myself a long time ago and I wait when I find my real self finally, if ever. I never had such deep introspection into myself as these years (I had a narcissistic relationship for 6 years, loved that woman so much but had to give up on it) I have such hatred for myself as I can’t keep a finance right, also my work disappeared, joy, skills, nobody wants to date me, I have loan in the bank, addiction is taking over me and I am fighting back, there are some parts of me which I HATE because I feel like they go against me!!!! I can’t keep myself intact. When this shit is going to end? Nice article but 4 months is a quite short time I think. Lucky you, Well done to you.

1 year ago

This happens to me when I’m on shrooms lol. Interesting experience for sure.

1 year ago

The simultaneous feeling of being connected to everything but walking the path of life alone.

1 year ago

Dude, I went through all this myself.

The betrayal, the hurt, the loss of everything material, the lack of will to live, the surrender..

The unconditional love, radiating from out of my body and the back of my skull, even a white dove came to me. (I even have a picture of it!) The peace, the limitlessness, being one with everything..

It is very comforting to know that I’m not alone in this! Wish I someday meet, face to face, someone that has went through this and can do the same stuff as me!

2 years ago

Well not sure how I ended up here. I started on my path years ago I am struggling so much and this is something you can just talk to anyone about. I feel like I have opened up just enough to realize ( I know I’m supposed to say I’m worth it and I’m special) but all i feel is empty and not worth any grace from anyone especially myself] sorry not trying to bring anyone down but I am lost and I hurt so much I just feel like giving up and some days I wish I never opened this door I’m tired and I feel so alone and dont know where to turn I dont even know why I’m writing this. I know this is an old thread but I like always am just trying to find somthing to help. But you cant go back so is this my choice to live more years like this I cant do it. I just seems like every one has been invited to gods party but i cant figure out the door knob some times it feels as a remember god but god has forgotten about me. Sorry not try to bring the mood down

2 years ago

What a HORRENDOUS, MISLEADING description of what must happen to produce awakening! Every time I shed a layer of illusion, peeled back the onion until there was nothing left but “the luminous splendor of the colorless light” (I’m quoting someone else because it defies description), I felt lighter and lighter, happier and happier, more and more illuminated. Shame on your for calling other people wrong or false or fake because they don’t teach that the true path must feel like agony. Shame on Uplift for publishing. That was your path, and I’m sincerely glad for u that u awakened. But you’re propagating tunnel vision of your own experience. You’re giving it a omniscient universality and bashing others who successfully teach and experience otherwise. You need to get over yourself, even if personally, you already have 🙂 – Bruce Corwin, President,

2 years ago

I was awakened as a child, and to a degree it was a walk in the park, except eventually I realized that nobody knew what I was talking about, and I became silent and alone. I had to fall back asleep to have a social life.
Not meant to be asleep, I was dragged kicking and screaming, just like you, with loss upon loss, until nothing but pain remained. But x marks the spot, and the pain us x. Go there, the treasure is buried just below. How deep you won’t know until you start digging.
To stay awake, you must go through this process again and again. Every time we build a life back, with comforts, love ,success….we are at risk of falling back asleep.
Namaste my fellow travelers, we are in truth one and the same.

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